a reflection on positivity and self-care

things have been going relatively well. over the weekend, i managed to get thru a wedding that had — i shit you not — 1500 people in attendance. i sat at a table next to a woman with horrible energy. i felt it, it sunk into me the moment i set eyes on her. but i got thru it. i was all gussied up and looking nice and made it many hours, in public, at an event where i knew very few people.

meditation and sleep and yoga have not been as good as i wud like. but im working on it. i also made the decision to go to a plant medicine circle in the peloponesse peninsula at the end of the month. i believe that this will allow me to heal from the trauma of the past 2 years and find the courage to confront my anxiety, self-doubt, and lacking self-love. my partner has been encouraging self-care, and tho this retreat is expensive, he has agreed to help fund it. i am blessed beyond belief to have him in my life.

and now i have a favor to ask a family member, and i am terrified. even tho i myself wud give of myself in the way that i need him to give, i am nervous to ask. bc i feel uncomfortable being at the mercy of others. bc i am fearful of a negative response. bc i dont know where ill be living in october if i am not able to stay rent free in an otherwise uninhabited home. what shall i do? i need to ask. bc if the roles were reversed, id happily give my niece the keys to settle into my home so she cud get back on her feet. id happily help her reintegrate slowly into society. id happily allow her to try out living in the home of her ancestors, in the village from which her parents came, to see if she wants to build a life there.

perhaps this is the key. perhaps it’s not about asking, it’s not about his answer, it’s about going back to the place where my family is from. it’s about the baggage of cousins and aunts and uncles. of cemeteries full of family members i barely remember or never met. perhaps this is about more than just a phone call, but a fundamental shift in the way i live. a village. a plot of land. farm work. online teaching. a non english speaking country in which i can actually, and quite proficiently, communicate. perhaps i am afraid to begin this march towards my new direction in life. with a partner that loves me. outside of los angeles. without full time work. with an unknown outcome.

i must remind myself to embrace the uncertainty. if i’ve made it this far, surely a phone call isn’t going to make it all come crashing down. surely.


photo credit: Maro, LA Brewery Art Walk, 2015


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