i thought it would be different. i somehow envisioned something a la The Simpsons, season 8 episode 9 which i had seen when i was a kid, where homer eats guatemalan insanity peppers and trips balls. i thought i was going to meet my spirit animal and brought through a story of my life, with words and understandable visions that would help me gain some insight into what happened to me over the past couple of years.
it wasn’t like that. at all. but was it helpful? i think that answer will take many months to come to light. i knew ayahuasca was no joke. i knew it has been used for thousands of years for healing, with shamans, to help people through difficulties. and, because i have spent the past two years suffering, vomiting, shitting out all forms of vile decay one could imagine…on antibiotics, in and out of hospitals, what better way to get insight than to take a medicine which would make me throw up and shit some more? i have, after all, become an expert at it with what’s happened to me.
so when a friend informed me of a healing circle in the peleponnese end of july, and because i thought i needed to see the world outside of my normal, logical, maro-fied perspective, i decided i’d make the investment and go. i figured grandmother would give me a break with the sickness aspect, and that i’d get some clear answers on what i need and where i’m going. i did not.
what i got was patterns. complete synesthesia. out of body? there was no body, no time, no nothing, but everything, all at once. there was no i or you, there was only being. the first night, the first drink, was complete and utter euphoria for about half an hour. and it lulled me into a false sense of security. yes, this shit is dope! and while these patterns and synesthesia returned, so did my mind, my negative thoughts…my desire for the trip to be over. my resistance to the learning.
having said that, the days after the ceremonies, i felt light. i felt like ok, i didn’t get direct messages, but perhaps my consciousness understood, and now it’s over. upon returning to reality, my sensitivity to my surroundings has been heightened even more than it was since my empathic nature has come to light. i am in the village of my parents, the one from which my ancestors – to the best of my knowledge – have lived for centuries. and being here subsequent to the healing circles, i can feel the weight of my ancestral pain and suffering weighing down on my whole being. as if i am the one charged with clearing this negative karma of centuries. the waterworks have been severe. the period, which of course started after i returned, some of the most severe pain i’ve ever experienced.
one of the healing circle leaders was telling us how a woman’s menstruation is a monthly cleansing not only of her uterus, but also of the negativity within her and her surroundings. and here i am, in the cradle of the ancestral suffering, weakened and crying, releasing the pain of centuries of people who were repressed, downtrodden. who worked and worked and barely scraped by. who lost sons and daughters at early ages. women who were unable to live truly to themselves. men who were pressured to provide and due to their circumstances, failed their families in this regard. and somehow, i feel all of it being cleansed through me.
i’m not suggesting this one menstrual cycle will rid my village of its pain, but i can see how i am releasing not only for myself, but some of what is left here. ayuhuasca, grandmother, abuelita, as she is called, may have spared me gory details in storied visions when i drank, but she is still here, working through me, fulfilling her promise to help me receive that which i asked for. to see my true self. to heal my womb. to heal all of me. and she is doing this through showing me my sensitivity is real, not something i can put away any longer. i am here, i feel everything, this is me. and now, how i will take this gift, which oftentimes i perceive as a curse, and use it to my own benefit and to that of those nearest me, alive or dead, that is my decision. she is showing me the way, but i must decide — how do i move forward?